Frankie Nylon's Screaming Abdabs

[The context is one of those "talking heads" programmes on the history of TV comedy.]

VOICEOVER: As the Sixties turned into the Seventies, one show is always remembered as breaking all the conventions - Frankie Nylon's Screaming Abdabs.  The show's best-remembered performer is Terry Cleethorpes.

[Caption: "TERRY CLEETHORPES"]

TERRY CLEETHORPES: Well, there was Terry Brilliant, who did the drawings, although none of us could understand them.  There were Terry Lines and Terry Payoff, who sat together giggling and annoying the hell out of the rest.  There was Terry Doodle, who sat through rehearsals staring vacantly into space.  And we all miss dear old Terry Madman - I'm sure he did something or other.  But the undoubted star of the show was me, especially after I left.

VOICEOVER: The Nylons - as they'll forever be known - changed the face of TV comedy for ever.

TERRY CLEETHORPES: When we arrived at the BBC, we were sickened by the establishment attitude that comedy had to be ... how shall I put it? ... well, funny. The Nylons changed all that.  We declared that it was our mission to free comedy from the "tyranny of the joke".

VOICEOVER: The Nylons' ground-breaking approach to joke-free comedy is illustrated perfectly by their classic "frozen chicken sketch".

[Cut to clip]

[The scene is a shop, with no obvious purpose.  The shopkeeper stands idling behind the counter.  A customer walks in.]

CUSTOMER: I'd like to return this frozen chicken that I bought yesterday.
SHOPKEEPER: Why?  What's wrong with it?
CUSTOMER: It's dead.
SHOPKEEPER: No it's not.
CUSTOMER: Yes it is.  It's frozen.
SHOPKEEPER: No it's not.
CUSTOMER: Of course it is.  I bought it from you yesterday.
SHOPKEEPER: No you didn't.
CUSTOMER: Yes I did.  This is a frozen chicken shop.
SHOPKEEPER: No it isn't.  The frozen chicken shop is next door.
CUSTOMER: No it isn't.
SHOPKEEPER: Yes it is.
CUSTOMER: No it isn't.  Next door is a home for Swedish nymphomaniacs.
SHOPKEEPER: No it isn't.

[A scantily-clad young woman wanders in.]

SCANTILY-CLAD WOMAN [in thick Swedish accent]: Hello, would you like to play with my naughty bits?
SHOPKEEPER: Not now, I'm in the middle of a comedy sketch.

[The woman pouts and walks off.]

CUSTOMER: You see, that was one of them.
SHOPKEEPER: No it wasn't.
CUSTOMER: Yes it was.
SHOPKEEPER: No it wasn't, and that's not a frozen chicken.  It's a tin of corned beef.
CUSTOMER: What?
SHOPKEEPER: Corned beef.
CUSTOMER: What?
SHOPKEEPER [louder]: Corned beef.
CUSTOMER: What?
SHOPKEEPER [much louder]: CORNED BEEF!

[A choir suddenly assembles in the shop.]

CHOIR [singing]: Corned beef, corned beef, corned beef, corned beef, corned beef... corned beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeef!

[A mustachioed man appears and waves the choir aside.  They disappear.]

MUSTACHIOED MAN: But you weren't ready for the French revolution.
CUSTOMER/SHOPKEEPER [together, shocked]: No, we weren't ready for the French revolution.
MUSTACHIOED MAN: Well how about this then?

[He slaps them in the face with a wet fish, and they both fall to the floor.  The screen goes to black, and then the BBC1 globe appears on screen.]

ANNOUNCER (cheerfully): And now on BBC1, it's time for... something else entirely!

[A large animated foot comes in from the back of the screen, and kicks the globe off to the front.  Cut to a scene of two men dressed unconvincingly as women, watching the television.  The globe flies out of the TV set, hitting the first unconvincing woman in the chest.  She clutches it to her unconvincing bosom.]

FIRST UNCONVINCING WOMAN: Ooh, I'm in charge of the BBC.
SECOND UNCONVINCING WOMAN: Ooh, that's nice.
FIRST UNCONVINCING WOMAN: No it isn't.
SECOND UNCONVINCING WOMAN: Yes it is.
FIRST UNCONVINCING WOMAN: No it isn't.

[A military man enters.]

MILITARY MAN: Don't be stupid.  We've done that bit.
SECOND UNCONVINCING WOMAN: No we haven't.
MILITARY MAN [donning false moustache]: But you weren't ready for the French revolution!
UNCONVINCING WOMEN [together, shocked]: No, we weren't ready for the French revolution.
MILITARY MAN: Well how about this then?

[He slaps them in the face with a wet fish, and they both fall to the floor.  The screen goes to black.  End of clip.]

TERRY CLEETHORPES: You see, that was the genius of Nylon.  All we needed was one idea - just one simple idea.  Then we'd pad it out with twenty-eight minutes of drivel, and bugger off down the pub.

VOICEOVER: The first series went down to critical acclaim, but the show wasn't always so well received after that.

TERRY CLEETHORPES: Well, we were naturally a little bit disappointed that the BBC didn't show the second series in Scotland.  Or the north of England.  Or Wales, or the Midlands, or Northern Ireland, or the West of England.  Or any other part of England, actually.  Still, I gather that we gained a cult following on the Isle of Man.

VOICEOVER: Nevertheless, the Nylons went on to achieve lasting notoriety with their controversial film, Frankie Nylon's Life of Riley.

TERRY CLEETHORPES: It was a stroke of brilliance.  We tried to get banned in as many places as we possibly could.  We figured that the fewer people there were who got to see the film, the more people would want to see it.  And so we got everything in there - blasphemy, nudity, sodomy, bestiality, actual death on camera.  And it worked.  No one got to see it at all.

VOICEOVER: The Nylons had finally gained their deserved reputation as the uncrowned kings of British comedy.  People flocked to see their live shows.

TERRY CLEETHORPES: Once we'd got rid of our TV and film audiences, people had to see us live.  There was no other choice.  Which meant that we could keep repeating the same tedious rubbish over and over again, and no one would care.  In fact the audiences used to turn up and recite the sketches at the performances, which did us all a favour since we couldn't remember the lines ourselves.

VOICEOVER: Frankie Nylon's Screaming Abdabs has undoubtedly left a lasting legacy in television mythology.  We asked Terry Cleethorpes for his own personal highlight.

TERRY CLEETHORPES [after long pause]: Sorry, can't think of one.

VOICE OF PRODUCER [off-camera]: Well how about this then?

[A hand appears from the side of the screen and slaps him in the face with a wet fish.  He falls to the floor.  The screen goes to black.  End credits.]